1st Date!

Note: Inner dialogue is from me and verbal dialogue is from the other person.

I’m so nervous. I’m still not meeting them for an hour. I shouldn’t be this nervous. This is so sad. Not as sad as this being my first date and being in my 20s. Breathe. I must breathe. This will be great. The conversations online were great. The person is cool. We click so well and both already like each other. It’ll be great. I should leave now to make sure I’m not late.

** An hour later **

Is that them? No, they’re not even walking this way. That person? No. Oh, that person looks cute. Not them. This is so nerve-wracking. Are my hands sweating? That’s disgusting. What do I do? Is that them? No. Just wipe your hands on your pants. Be casual in case they’re near. What about… there’s someone looking at me. I hope that’s not them. Please don’t let it be them. They don’t look like their picture. I feel so lied to. They’re still walking this way. I think that’s them. Please, no.
“Hi.”
Crap. This is terrible. I feel nothing. No attraction at all anymore. Okay, breathe. Personality matters more. I can shift my focus. The physical doesn’t matter… kind of. I can do this. Should I leave?
“I found a place with pancakes like you mentioned. I think you’ll love it.”
That sounds good. I’m so hungry. I should have eaten. No. This is good. We’ll have pancakes. I’ll focus on personality and the attraction will return and the date will be great. It can be saved. Yes.

** After the meal **

This was so much less awkward at the booth. Now we’re side by side walking. I don’t know what to talk about. I can’t talk about how I feel nothing since seeing them. Oh crap! What if they try to kiss me? What do I do? After all the flirty things I’ve said to them online, I can’t just leave if they try to kiss me. This is horrible. I won’t kiss them. No. I’ll have to be honest as much as it sucks. Now the nervousness is returning even more. I think I’m more nervous about rejecting them than if I wanted to be kissed.
“My car’s on the next block right there.”
One more block. It’s too soon. What if I’m wrong about not being attracted anymore? What if I’m just nervous? What if it can work? I should let them kiss me then. No. I know what I feel. I just wish I weren’t feeling it. Maybe they won’t even try to kiss me. That could work. Maybe they’ll expect me to do it. That’s great. I already know I won’t. We’re almost there. Okay, create a little distance to prepare but not too much.
“This was fun. I’ll message you.”
YES! They’re going to their door. No attempt… at all. I’m a little insulted. I don’t know why. I didn’t want them to kiss me. Right? Do I feel something? No. I don’t think so. At least I can breathe better now. I’ll still have to tell them unless they didn’t feel anything either. Why else leave so casually like that? I think I’m good. I got through it and now… back to looking for someone as cool who I’ll still be attracted to after meeting. This sucks. Why couldn’t I be physically attracted to them?